Men Are from Mars (excerpt)

One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can in place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request.

Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before, indirect requests are a turnoff. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but persistently using can and could begins to irritate men...

...If a woman doesn't understand how certain language can affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying "Could you..." because she thinks she is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it doesn't work at all on Mars.

On Mars it would be an insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.

What Men Want to Be Asked

When I explain this distinction between the c words and the w words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference -- in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars...

(see First Edition pages 252 - 255; pages 284 - 287 in 2004 paperback edition)

...One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon rising above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?"

Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose.

Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words. The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, and manipulative.

When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you can empty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he can do it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel trusted to be there for her if he can.

I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. If feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can't do it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is just that he can't do it."

Mission Update

Yesterday I stopped by the Walmart shopping center where the young homeless lady was panhandling. (Her name is Rachel.)

She still has the phone, and seemed genuinely thankful for it.

She told me that she "makes" anywhere from $15 to $30 per day, but never has to worry about food since people are always dropping food off. (As she said that, a man walked up and handed her a bag from Subway.)

The right-rear tire on her car has a leak, so she has to air it up with a portable compresser before she drives the car...every time.

Mission

In the past year, the fullest, most enjoyable days that I have experienced have been those that I spent volunteering -- at music festivals and at a campground. A couple of months ago I blogged about the best job I have ever had, which was working at a campground/recreation park in 1986.

Until a few days ago I thought that "letting my life speak" -- doing what I am really passionate about -- necessarily involved camping/RVing. As much as I love my flexible lifestyle, last week a BFF made a comment that is gradually helping me to understand where my real passion lies. (Thanks, Jodi.)

I had stopped to help a young couple who were out of gas on U.S. 31 in Kokomo, and who had no money. Jodi was concerned that I was endangering myself (and maybe even her, as well). I told her stories about 40 years of picking up hitchhikers, and of helping other people in need. In some cases I never knew whether I had really made a difference; in at least one case -- when by chance I picked up a hitchhiker twice within a few months -- I knew that I had been conned. But, I told Jodi, I'd rather be occasionally taken advantage of than pass up the opportunity to help someone who might (or might not) truly be in need.

I also told her that during my first winter as a fulltime RVer I thought about equipping a bus with bunks, and using it to give homeless people some place warm to sleep during cold weather. (That idea is still rolling around in my head.)

Jodi said something like, "Well, then...maybe your purpose in life is to help others."

That comment struck me as a little odd, because all my life I had been under the assumption that everyone felt that "calling"...that -- aside from every other thing that we do -- all humans felt a keen responsibility to help people in need.

The fact is -- although I believe everyone must feel a degree of empathy for the homeless, hungry, and needy -- not everyone views helping others as a "mission". After a week of reflection, I'm beginning to think that is my true passion.

Yesterday, as I was pulling out of a Walmart parking lot in Indianapolis, I saw a young woman seated in the grass holding one of "those signs"...'homeless, needy'. As I pulled out onto 74th Street I suddenly knew that I could not leave without finding out how I could help her.

So, I pulled back into the parking lot to talk to her.

She says that she truly is homeless...that she sleeps at a shelter one or two nights a week, and that she sleeps in her car the rest of the time. She has a pay-as-you-go cell phone, but no money to buy "minutes" for it.

Either she was very genuine or she is a great actress, because she appeared to be near tears during part of our brief conversation.

Rather than ask her a lot of personal questions, I walked back into the Walmart and bought her a cell phone with 300 minutes on it. As I carried it out of the store and began activating it, I realized that she had no way to charge the new battery. I checked the (fully-charged) battery in my phone and discovered that it was a match for the new phone. So, I swapped batteries, finished activating the phone, and took it to her.

She seemed genuinely thankful: "This will make it so much easier to hunt for a job! I've been able to call companies, but I haven't been able to give them a number to call me back."

Maybe after I left she sold the phone. Probably I'll never know. But I feel good knowing that I did something. Discovering that I had been conned wouldn't feel nearly as bad as knowing that I did nothing.

Maybe my enthusiasm wasn't for the campgrounds themselves. Perhaps campgrounds are just great vehicles for expressing my real passion: helping others.